This movie is almost too much to survive watching. It’s a poorly cast bore-fest though all the issues of complicated and dangerous pregnancy. Kristen looks like she is about to pass out throughout the entire film, her exterior changing none whether she’s giving agonizing childbirth, getting married, or making love to her husband under a waterfall for the first time. The first half of the film is about them getting married then engaging in forbidden vampire sex all over some private island. Kristin and Rob show about as much passion on screen as a bother and sister forced to copulate by a sex-crazed serial killer who popped their tires with some barbed wire when they took a back road home from grandmas. It’s a skin-crawlingly specific sort of uncomfortable. The second half is Kristin all kinds of knocked up. The whole world wants her to abort this thing, but her lady switch has been flipped, and she’ll die for the baby. Which she does. She makes an amazing corpse, and the child birth scene is the best part of the whole movie. Kristin just has to lay their and let her makeup be awesome. Obviously she comes back, after an awkward cesarean from Rob’s teeth, a syringe of Rob’s vampire juices to the heart, and squishy bites all over her body. Taylor pops his lipstick over the baby, and pledges to start fondling it immediately. Also, Carlise is fat. Pretty sure the Cullen’s are supposed to be immortal sparkly overlords of perfection and sexy self-hatred. Seriously? At least try and be in shape. Anyway, the movie succeeds in making Stephine Myer appear to have made zero sense in writing a book. How she could have ever let it turn into this, is sad. Sad for me because she is cashing vampire checks.
Should you see this movie? You probably already have. My heart honestly goes out to you. These movies are someday going to be total classics, but that won’t happen until Kristin Stewart’s head explodes, or she gives up acting and goes to school to become a medical assistant.